I don’t even know if I am thinking straight, but I need to pour this out here because it has been troubling my mind. I am a young lady in my late twenties. On the outside, people believe I am an event planner, and even my boyfriend of almost two years thinks that is what I do for a living. The truth is, I work as an Escort. I know many people will judge me immediately, but I didn’t set out to live this kind of life. Things became really hard for me some years ago after I lost my job, and I got introduced to this line of work. At first, I told myself it was just temporary, but the money was too good and it became hard to leave. Now, my issue is not even about the work itself. My issue is about my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for some time now, and he has been pressuring me for intimacy. I keep telling him no, that I want to wait until our wedding night before we sleep together. I have always had that belief that my first night with my husband should be sacred and special, something to look forward to. He has respected me so far, even though sometimes he complains that I am being too rigid. Here is where my confusion comes in. While I am saving myself for him in the name of purity, I still go out almost every week to sleep with clients because of my job. I know it sounds very contradictory. Part of me feels I am deceiving him and deceiving myself. I tell him I am a virgin in the relationship sense, but deep down, I know I have been with several men. The only difference is that I get paid for it, while I want to keep myself away from him until marriage. Sometimes I ask myself, what exactly am I preserving? Is it the idea of waiting that makes me feel special, or am I just being hypocritical? I honestly don’t know how to reconcile the two sides of my life. On one hand, I love my boyfriend and I want our marriage to start on a clean note. On the other hand, my source of income contradicts everything I claim to stand for. I fear that if he ever finds out the truth about my job, he will leave me immediately, and I will lose the only man that has truly loved me. But if I stop the job, I don’t know how I will survive financially. So, I am here asking this community. Am I fooling myself by holding on to the idea of waiting for my wedding night, when in reality I am not living a pure life? Is it possible to separate what I do for work from my personal relationship? Please, I need sincere advice.